love and reality

ughh i'm so sick of all of this. this feeling i have in my heart. this feeling i thought no longer existed still seems to be very much present in my life. i didn't realize it til the past few weeks. when i dreamt of him every single fucking night. where certain nights i laid in bed and cried til i fell asleep. and all that i thought about was everything. and when i woke up it was a brand new day and a new opportunity to make it better. but i don't know. the past week. it was good... an eye opener for me. it made me realize how long i lied to myself for. but it sucks. this all sucks. cuz its like... we love eachother so fucking much but we can't make it work. and no matter how hard we try or how badly we want it we can't have it. because something won't let us have it. he's the only person in the entire world who made me feel the way i do when i'm with him. he's the only one who ever made me feel that safe with myself. and he's the only one who has ever loved me as hard as he does. the only one i am that comfortable with other then my family. and we talked about all the bullshit in the past and all the misunderstandings we had with eachother. and it almost felt like a fresh start. but i fucked up again. its me. i realized alot of the times its me. and tahts the hardest part about all of this. as much as i want to blame somebody other then myself i know its both of us. and thats what we don't get it. something we both don't understand. something we both cried about. something we wish we could just grab a hold onto and completely change it around. but we cry because we've tried. and we cry because we know its nearly impossible to do. and i cry because i have no hope. and he cries because he knows all the negative thoughts running through my head. and i wish i could just fast forward 5 years so we can finally be together and be happy the way things should be. but we can't. because the times not right still. but even though it isn't. i still felt so right about the situation. i just want it all back but i can't have it all. and i want him but i can't have him because of me. i need to change. and he needs to change. but how is it that when two people love eachother so much they have to stay away from eachother? i don't fucking get it. and it drives me crazy. he drives me crazy in both good and bad ways. theres too much of an extreme to both emotions that he can make me feel which is the worst part. because i fear one day we really will kill eachother. i'm so sorry honey. i just wish... this could work out the way we both want it too, but we are both human like i said and we both have emotions we can not control, but honey bunny i'll wait for you years from now when the time will be right again for us like the day we first met so we can change it all and start brand new the way we wish we could <3