i don't know whats going on

i don't know what i'm doing right now with my life. its frustrating cuz i want one thing but then again i want the complete other. i guess its a feeling of "at least by the end of the night, i'm coming home to you" type of thing. and thats how i feel. i do whatever all day long and then at night i want it to only be me and you. i wonder how long this feeling is going to last for... i hope not too long cuz its not going to make things any better. lifes only getting more complicated. but i understand that this is what i need to have in my life. i need to find a better fix and i need to find a get away. i need to find something. but i just can't fucking FIND IT. i wonder if the thing i'm looking for is right infront of my face. its making me even sadder cuz my dad was talking to me today saying he doesn't want him to be his son in law because he can see he is disrespectful and its only scarier for me when i get older and living alone with him. he says a man is different once you marry. they aren't as nice as you think they are. and if they are disrespectful already it only gets worse and i don't want to be with a man like that. it makes me sad because he says theres so much he needs to do to gain my dads respect. and i thought my dad never cared but apparently he does. i didn't even know he thinks abotu this kind of stuff and my dad said the problem is is that he thinks TOO much. i love my dad. so so much. and i have so much respect for him cuz he truly did raise me pretty damn well. and he knows me better then i ever even thought. its so funny. and he was saying all this stuff about me and it just made me so happy how he just seems so proud of me. not for the things i've accomplished but for the person that i am today. and thats what makes me happy.

funny how people say theres the ONE guy for you. or your soulmate. your other half. blah blah blah. but is there really one person for you? i always believed there are many compatible people for you. maybe you do just have to go out there and have it come to you. i just hate the whole fucking dating scene. i don't like it anymore. and i don't want it anymore. nobody dates anymore anyways. people meet. fuck. like eachother. fight. then leave. why cant there be anybody decent out there. somebody who you can just grow to have RESPECT for eachother not grow to DISRESPECT eachother. i feel that thats what happens to most couples. they get to comfortable but thats not what a relationship should be based on. god. i'm thinking too fucking much and i need to fucking stop. jesus christ. i need a pick me up or something. something to get my mind onto another level. something to take me out of reality for a day. or even a fucking week. as much as i want this i'm too prideful to ever go back to that shit. so sad. i have to deal with my life the real hard way. with no easy way out. i guess it'll only get me stronger