HI HI HI! i feel like i'm goingg to be blogging alot more now. i love to blog. blog blog blog. HAHA jk. today i'm not as much as the same level as yesterday.. i think cuz i just ate a gang of food. and i think i'm sobering up.. i feel like watching a movie... hmm that sounds nice. i think i'm going ot have alot of nights like this again. just staying up late by myself and enjoying everything to myself. its a good feeling. relaxing but a tad bit lonely. but regardless its still nice. bullshit happened again today and i don't know why it continues to happen. i kind of feel bad... i wish i had some kind of fucking fix but i feel like alcohol is my fix right now. stupid right? i'm just doing whatever the fuck i can to get my mind off of everything. but i think i tend to think more when i am in this state of mind. more to think about. and you know they do say the truth comes on when you drink. but sometimes i don't think thats true. i talked to my mommy today sincei haven't seen her the past few nights since i've been out and it was a good talk. she made me feel better. she helped me realize that i am making the right choice. but everybody is making me feel that way. so i don't feel bad this time. normally its me really having to think about it. but now its different... weird huh? its weird how i don't really care anymore... i do still care. well obviously i'm only human. but at the same time... i don't really. i don't know what i'm going to do when i find out who ever is next... but at the same time i feel kind of... guilty if i were to give somebody else a chance. i feel like nobody fucking deserves me. i don't think anybody deserves to kiss me or hold me and receive my love. and if i were to give it to them i wouldn't want too. i still feel like i'm in some kind of relationship but not with anybody... its like a relationship with myself. does that make any sense?... i guess thats how i could put it. i grew up alot now that i really think about it... shit i remember how i used to be awile back. hahahaha i wonder if i'd ever become that way again. i doubt that. but i know everything in life is finally clearing up. and its nice. GOD. i wonder what life is going ot be like the next month. before i always knew how it was going to be. who i was going to be with. but now its so weird to me... i'm so used to a routine and knowing whats happening next but now i don't know. i hope everything works out for meeee. blah blah blah i sure am typing away. this is getting boring and i want to do something else...




if i could tell you one last thing. i couldn't even bring myself to fucking say it. i just can't. even though i want to so fucking badly and it kills me not being able to say it. F U C K