ooooh life

life is so utterly interesting and grand. extremely easy. but i still feel like somethings missing. i think its a money issue thing that i'm missing tho. i guess you can say that i've been pretty content and fucking happy with my life. especially where its going. but i think about alot still. not shit about the past but shit with the future and my present. and i don't get it. and i'm starting to wonder if i don't like my area because i'm so used to all the things around me and i know whats out here, that what i want or what i need does not exist. or maybe its the fact that i never look or bring myself to see what else is out there. but you know.. i came to the conclusion that i really... need to stay fucking single for once. hahahaha but i always catch myself wanting. always fucking wanting. why do i always want things. and when i get it. i don't want it anymore. its so selfish of me. and its so annoying. all the things i seek in life that i truly want, i always end up getting. some how, one way or the other. i just want a challenge. i want somebody simple. i want somebody who won't fail me. i want somebody who will want me just as much as i want them. and i want somebody who will fit my standard, my perfection, my need, my addiction. but i guess you can think "well god lisa, if you set your standards like that you'll never find anybody" but if you knew my standards its so simple and easy to find that for some fucking reason. its that much more difficult to find. because you figure out one way or the other, they are all pretty much the same. the same disappointment. the same shit. the same. guys. i started thinking to myself. when the fuck would be the best time for me to get serious with a guy again. and honestly. there is no fucking time. cuz they don't ever change. dating a 18 year old compared to a 23 year old. you start to realize... they are the same as well. i guess i just have to stop wanting stupid shit. i guess when you've lived your life for 5 years always having somebody there, whether its a fling, a hookup, the whole "seeing eachother", or flat out relationship you start to realize that hmm... maybe it is time to take a big break from everything. but as easy as it sounds. it is quite hard. sex and affection is an addiction and the feeling of love and infatuation is an even greater addiction. i guess i'm growing past it though.. i think? am i in denial? hahaha isn't admitting your an addict always the first step? HAHA shit. i think i am an addict..



being alone is so much easier and stress free. that i'm so much of a happier bee. i guess... you just fiend for things like this. life sure does like to throw some situations at you :] but they're always fun to endure.