wow

i feel so fucking indifferent to everything right now. its fucking weird. its like i've gone completely numb. i can almost feel my heart wanting to strain and cry and ache but it can't. i'm so used to this kind of stuff that its hard for me to even cry about it... i don't know what i've been doing with my life. i'm so fucking stupid. i'm so weak. i need to stop falling back. i need to just pick myself up and go. do what i need to do. and enjoy what i'm doing at the same time. its so hard to do but i have too. i need too. i almost felt bad about leaving to havasu going to edc and all that shit but its like wtf man. i understand my actions may be wrong for ever even going (if i go) but my intentions are right. and i know that. i'd rather just go to havasu and get away for awile. hang out wtih the girls and just kick it. i can't take this. if i could. i'd take a trip by myself and just be anywhere but here. i want to be able to gather my thoughts. cry to myself and not have a fall back. just cry and let everything out and know that nothing during tha tmoment can save me. cuz i know during that moment of tears i will become stronger. but being here its hard... i know that if i cry i have something there to help me. make me feel better. but if i was just NOT here i have nothing. thats almost what i want now. i want fucking nothing. nothing at all. if i could have this trip i'd laugh cry talk to myself and enjoy every moment that i am breathing. i want to be free. free from myself. i want to feel pure. i want to feel strong. and i want to be content with doing nothing. i hate when my mind races and everything goes crazy and i can't handle it. i need time. time time time. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh adkfja;slkdfj;laksjdf;lkajsf