hello world. i don't know whats been going on lately. but it seems like everything is going to the shits. i don't know what to do anymore. and i don't know what i should do. i hate everything that has been going on. even though i go out with a smile on my face for everybody nobody knows how much i'm confused inside. i can't even fucking eat. i try too and i'll eat barely anything. i think i've had about 1/2 - 1 meal a day the past few days. i don't know whats going on with me. well i do but i fuck. i hate this. i hate when this happens between us. i hate how this shit still happens. theres so many things i don' t understand. and so many things i wish you never did or said. sometimes i wish i could go into your body and say or do what you need to do to make it better. but then it wouldnt reallybe you doing it or meaning the things you say. i don't know if the things you say are even truthful, i don't know what truths come out of your mouth. i'm scared for disappointment. i'm scared for the pain. i'm scared for absolutely everything. i'm scared i won't ever change. i'm scared you won't ever change. i'm scared the things you say aren't true. i'm scared you'll hurt me again when you don't intentionally do it. i wish you knew what you did to me. i don't think you understand the extent of everything. i don't think you get it still. i really really don't. and its been a year and a half now and i ask myself, how do you still not know me? how is it that you don't know what makes me happy. why can't you make me happy? i feel like i'm mainly happy cuz i make you happy and thats all i want but do you ever try to make me happy? what have you given up to make me happy? what have you compromised with to make me happy? i know theres alot that i have given up to make you happy and compromise for your happiness and my mommy always told me not to ever say i do all this stuff for you and what do you do for me?! but this is different.... what have you given up for me? i gave up my pride for you. with you i have no pride. i can't. yet you still have your pride and i don't understand it. how come i can let that go and you can't? how come i can do all these things for your happiness and you can't? when will i ever get what i want. when will the bull shit end. when will you make me happy again. when will you keep your promises. and when will you come around to finally appreciate me?


i know you've done alot for me. i'm not saying you never did. i know you love me and i know you care for me. but thats not enough for me to FEEL that you do love and care for me. sometimes your actions and certain things justify the fact that you don't love and care for me. if you loved you would have kept the promises. if you cared you would have thought about my happiness other then your own and knowing what you do is making me sad. thats what caring and loving a person is all about. and why don't people fucking get that. it fucking stresses me out. to stay in a relationship is truly not hard at all. its all about compromising, giving and taking, loving, trusting, supporting, and honestly with allthose i don't think you could break a relationship apart. and relationships break because of no compromising, jealousy, past lives, greedyness, selfishness, lying, disrespectfulness, and whatever else. i don't feel like typing anymore. i'm so exhausted from all of this. i don't think people truly know how EXHAUSTED i truly am, how fucking beat up i am inside and how exhausted and tired my fucking heart is. i've never felt this kind of pain before. its extremely odd, its bearable but its just so exhausting. i feel like my mind body and soul are going to give out. i want this all to just end. i want this all to just go away. FUCK