eeeeeep xP

tonight i feel like i can ramble and talk away. i think i'm starting to get the hang of everything. everything everybody tells me is so right. and truth is. it all goes down hill from here. there is no UP hill anymore. its either going down. steady. down. steady. there is no up anymore. and my sister is absolutely correct. its funny to see how some one can claim they love you and care for you so much and they understand the issue but still don't do anything about it. theres alot of things i don't like about you. you make rude comments. youre trying to now control my life. you constantly get upset about shit that you shouldnt be getting upset over especially since thats not the way to win a girls heart back. today i heard some guy tell me "haha are you serious? hes still immature. he has alot to grow up. dont listen to him. do what you want. and if he loves you, he'll tell you to be safe." and you know what. thats absolutely CORRECT. my sister was telling me how after her and her fiance broke up like.. 3-4 years ago (they got back together :]) he got all mad at her when she went out after and would give her shit make her feel guilty. and she told me thats when she knew. she just had to do whatever she wanted. he doesn't control her. and not even our mom gives us shit like that so why the fuck should a guy? its funny how i'm honestly following the same EXACT footsteps as her. its crazy cuz she knows exactly how i feel. the saddest part about it is the fact that i know i won't ever get back with him after this like my sister did with matt. guys don't get that second chance. i feel like he already has his second chance. and its too late. nobody can grow up in a matter of days. growing up takes hard intense self realization. i'm glad i'm having another one of mine again. i'm glad i have all these people to support me. and i'm glad i have a family like mine.


i started to wonder what it was that i missed about him. and i think it was all the times we had when we were so happy. when just hanging out was good enough for us. when we didn't have to do all these things and to keep ourselves entertain. when just being with eachother was the most content we could be. its funny how things change. and its funny how as much as things are changing. they don't change. but i realized nobody ever does. theyre always the same. always the same dissappointment. and then it hits you. what the fuck.


i wish i could say that i'm still madly in love. but if i was. then why would my heart be in other places now... see what you have caused. you pushed me away. youre immaturity, anger, temper, guilt trips, and now your controlling antics are pushing me even farther away because you were never controlling or gave any sort of guilt trips when we were together. and now that you are since we are broken up just shows how much you do need to grow. you wont win me this way. you wont win me in any way but ONE way. and its so sad that you still cant sit down and think about it. and do it. as soon as you truly dedicate yourself to doing it. maybe i'll be there. and maybe i won't. maybe it'll be too late. i wish i could tell you the future baby but i can't. cuz as of right now. you are not in my future.